The Littlest Celery
by Princess Hannah
Summary: X-posted at Teaspoon. A bit of heartwarming crack inspired by my friends on Tumblr. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the story of Five's celery.


Once upon a time, in a faraway land called Castrovalva, there was a bowl of celery. There were all kinds of celery in the bowl. Big celeries, long celeries, fat celeries, thin celeries, celeries that were green like emeralds, celeries that were green like sea foam, celeries with plump fluffy leaves, and celeries with thin wafer leaves. But there was one celery that was littler than all the other celeries.

It was the littlest, the littlest celery.

The celeries liked to tell stories about what was going to happen to them.

"I hear they chop you up and put you in a salad!" said a big, burly celery with fierce green leaves.

"I hear they tie you up above doorways to make people kiss!" said a thin, light-colored celery.

"I hear they mash you up into mush and give you to sick people who can't eat!" said a broad, know-it-all celery.

The littlest celery spoke up: "I hear they wear you on the front of their clothes for good luck!"

All the other celeries looked at the littlest celery with scorn.

"Dreamer!" said the big celery.

"As if!" said the thin celery.

"You're completely bonkers!" said the broad celery.

The littlest celery was sad, but just like all the other celeries, it wanted to know what would happen to them. None of them had to wait very long.

"What is this?"

"Where did they take us?"

"I think it's called a 'banquet hall'."

The tallest celeries looked out over the edge of the bowl and told the other celeries what they found there.

"There's other food!"

"There's people! New people!"

The celeries became very excited. New people might mean that they were finally going to learn what would to happen to them. The littlest celery positively quivered with anticipation. A hand reached into the bowl: a people-hand. It took the big celery that had taunted the littlest celery before.

"Haha!" said the big celery, "They picked me first!"

But the big celery's boasts were cut short. The littlest celery looked on in horror as the hand put the big celery inside its mouth…and bit down. Oh, how the big celery screamed and howled in pain! The other celeries flew into a panic. They would all be eaten whole! That was what was going to happen to them! They would not be strung up in a doorway. They would not be made into medicine.

They would not be worn.

One by one, the celeries were eaten. First the biggest ones, then the smaller ones, every celery that the littlest celery had ever known. Until finally, only the littlest celery was left. The littlest celery was very scared. Any moment now, it was going to be eaten. A hand reached inside the bowl and the littlest celery went very still. This was the end.

But then it wasn't.

Instead of being put inside the person's mouth, the littlest celery was put…lower. It looked around and found itself being placed inside the person's pocket. Why was he doing this? Was he a nice person who wanted to show mercy to the littlest celery? Or was he just saving it to eat later? The littlest celery sat in the dark pocket for many hours and heard many things. People screaming, people running, something about webs and tapestries, until finally the littlest celery was taken out of the pocket. Through some magical form of attachment, the littlest celery found itself adorned upon a beige lapel.

He was outside Castrovalva.

The man wearing the littlest celery took his three friends to a blue box. What was it for, wondered the littlest celery. Surely they couldn't all fit inside it. But they did, for the box was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside.

The littlest celery had gotten its wish. Oh, the things it saw! Dancers from the ancient times of a place called "Earth," giant snake monsters, walls that weren't walls at all, games where men hit red balls and cheered, tall robot people, metallic triangles that flew in the sky, the home planet of the nice man who wore him, old men who spoke to desert crystals, people who exploded when they touched each other, and a deadly floating cage in space. So many many things, so many many adventures. The nice man's friends came and went, and one of them even died and made everyone very sad.

And the littlest celery grew old. Its green faded from deep green like the forest to pale green like a sickly person and its leaves wilted and became dry and crackly. If the littlest celery had not been eaten by now, it probably never would be, and it was happy.

One day, the nice man went to a ship in space to save one of his new friends. They went into one of the rooms and suddenly everything looked familiar to the littlest celery. Lots of people, tables of food…this must be a banquet hall. The nice man went over to one of the tables of food and stood in front of a bowl of celery. He looked at the littlest celery and then into the bowl. Out came another littlest celery. It looked frightened.

"Help!" It cried. "What's going to happen to me?"

The nice man removed the oldest celery from his lapel, who looked at the new littlest celery and said,

"Don't be afraid. You're going to see the universe."

THE END


End file.
